Big $ and Brian Phillips Talk Browns v Seahawks - by Jeff Hassler

Hey guys! Hassler here. It's sort of a touchy week around the Pencilstorm offices, because not only is the spiked eggnog flowing, but we got an NFL Civil War happening this Sunday. Big $ and K-Dubs the Soldier from the North Coast Posse will be cheering on their beloved Brownies while Brian Phillips will be rooting on his Seattle Seahawks. Personally I have no dog in this fight, as my favorite teams are the Patriots and Packers. I'm also a big Tony Romo fan so when he plays I pull for the Cowboys. Anyway, I thought it would be fun if I asked Big $ and Brian about this week's games and maybe see if we could all meet up to watch somewhere. I'm totally free. Let's get this party started!

Hassler: Both these teams are led by young, star quarterbacks in Johnny Manziel and Russell Wilson.  Which team has the advantage under center or is it pretty much a wash?

Brian -  Are you high, Hassler? Let's start with the fact that Wilson's only known vices are his obsessive abstinence, relentless Bible-quoting, and visiting sick kids on Tuesdays. Somehow through all that he's mastered his offense despite having a group of skill players made up mostly of guys who weren't even drafted. Two of his offensive lineman didn't even play on the line in college. His top two running backs are out now, you think he cares? Over the past three games he's hardly had to run at all. He's getting the ball out of his hands at a Tom Brady speed of somewhere around 2.2 seconds on average. Manziel, meanwhile, leads the league in apologies and regret. This clown will have to rub his fingers together a lot harder if he ever hopes to make the kind of coin Wilson is making. 

Big $ - Well, since you flashed the money sign at me the last time we passed each other at Colin's Coffee, Hassler, I have a pretty good idea where you fall in this debate. However, football I.Q. , work ethic and character are three components of a successful signal caller, and Russell runs laps round Jff in those areas.

Hassler -  Brian, I'm not high and just in case anybody from the agency is reading this, Brian was JUST KIDDING. So I'm not high, but the Browns remind me of the Seahawks just a couple of years ago. Sure they are struggling now, but with all these high draft picks it shouldn't be long before they end up in a Super Bowl. How long before Manziel gets a ring?

Brian -  What? The Browns remind me of the Seattle Mariners, actually. A litany of poor draft picks, head scratching signings.....one manager after another. Dopey owner. Idiot GM. The Browns should be seized by the league and owner Jimmy Haslam should be thrown in prison. Did you know they're paying Dwayne Bowe $4.5 million a year? This has to be some sort of money-laundering scheme. That's the only way it makes sense. Sure the Browns have a high pick coming again but what makes you think they'll use it wisely? Not me. If Hackenburg leaves Penn State they'll probably take him. Manziel wins 3rd place in a College Station golf scramble maybe, but never a ring. Not gonna happen, pal.

Big $ -  Surprisingly, I do believe Johnny will bring Cleveland a ring. Once his NFL tenure ends (sooner rather then later), the marketing guru that is Dan Gilbert will bring him to his rightful home in the Arena League. I fully expect Manziel will sling the Gladiators a ring no later then 2018.

Hassler -  It would be sweet if the L.A. KISS signed Manziel. Maybe KISS could rewrite the words to.... "God of Football." Or they could just use "King of the Night Time World" as is. Just sayin'.  Brian, I hate to be a pain, but you still owe me a six pack of Bud Light from the Super Bowl last year when my Patriots stuffed beast mode just like I predicted at the Pencilstorm Christmas Party. Can the Seahawks get back to the big game again this season? And can I get that beer soon? I'm sorta broke. Just sayin'.

Brian - Cripes. As I told you at the time, no one over the age of 13 should have more than one favorite team in any sport. It's embarrassing. I'll tell you what, Hassler. I'll give you 21 points Sunday and if I lose I'll buy you a whole keg of Bud Light and have it delivered draft night so you can drown your sorrows. Anyway... Sure the Hawks can get back, but it's going to be tough. Carolina and the Cards are really good this year. I'm realistic. Just enjoying the ride. Kind of like you and the Patriots.

Hassler - How do you guys see this game playing out and where are you watching it? Maybe we could all get together somewhere? My ex-Kim has the cats this weekend so I'm totally free if you want to meet up. 

Brian - Watching at home. My wife hates you. I'd watch it with you but you'd just wear your Brady jersey. That's lame. 

Big $ -  I fully expect the Seahawks to win by 17 and I predict Ahtya Rubin will inflict some serious pain on #2. As for where I'm watching the game Jeff, I know I'm gonna regret this but the NCP will be at Patrick J's in Clintonville.

Watershed Really Blew It (Again), By Not Playing FMMF by Jeff Hassler

Well, the big weekend has finally arrived! The Fashion Meets Music Festival is taking Columbus - and the United States - by storm. THIS is the festival that will put Columbus on the map. THIS is the festival that will dwarf Comfest and rival SXSW for national credibility. And you know who turned down the opportunity to perform? You guessed it, my pals in Watershed. 

What makes it worse is that Colin didn't even ask the other guys in the band if they were interested in doing it. As hard as this is to believe, I happened to be standing with Colin both times he was asked. Once at a certain coffee shop, and once before a happy hour show at a music club in Grandview. Both times he nearly cut off the person asking by quickly responding, "Thanks for the offer, but we aren't available during that time. Good luck!"

I happened to know that Watershed was more than available during "that time" since we are having our  Pencilstorm fantasy football draft that same weekend. When I asked politely why he was so quick to dismiss such an opportunity at a new, first class festival he got short with me as usual. 

"Hassler, look at me. Look at what I am wearing. Why would Watershed perform at a Fashion Festival? I mean, I write songs because pretty boys who dressed nice got all the girls in high school anyway. At least the ones left over from the jocks. What's next? Should we play at Reggae fest? Or maybe between matches at the state high school wrestling tournament?"

See what I mean? Such a smart ass. Well, I hate to break the news to Colin, but once again, the joke is on him. Turns out they could have possibly been opening for O.A.R., one of the hottest most respected rock bands in the world. For a band like Watershed, that is most famous for having a book about them called, "Hitless Wonder," you would think Colin would recognize this could be THE BIG BREAK to signing with another major label. FMMF is going to as big as SXSW (or at least NXNW) and WSHED might have had a plum spot. We will never know. Think of all the successful music executives from LA and New York who could have turned out to catch their set. 

To make matters worse, Colin and the Watershed guys are all excited to drive 600 miles to open for Cheap Trick at the House of Blues in Myrtle Beach in October. OK, let's play Rock Manager 101: Option #1) Drive 600 miles to open for a band not even in the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame; or #2) Drive 5 miles to open for a band - OAR - that most likely WILL make the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame. 

In full disclosure, I have to admit I am a huge OAR fan going back to my fraternity days at OSU. In fact, my ex-wife Kim and I got pinned right before at one of their early shows at the PHI Delts Nookiefest party. (Lighten up, all proceeds went to stop human trafficking, or at least that's what the frat brothers told Kim.) It was obvious that night these guys were going to be stars. At least what I remember from it. Long story!

Anyway, because the Watershed guys are my friends and I want what's best for them I tried to appeal to Ricki C. to talk some sense into Colin. I mean, Ricki loves arguing about the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame. I would have expected him to see my point. I had Ricki check out the FMMF website and all he said was, "Jeff, the opening sentence of their press release has a grammatical error in it, and the second paragraph has a misspelled word, which in my eyes tends to undermine the hugeness of the event, in that they couldn't be bothered to hire a semi-competent copywriter and/or proofreader.  And if it is indeed 'The Nations...largest and first collaborative fusion festival,' doesn't it follow that it also  could be the first and smallest, the first and mangiest, the first and hungriest, the first and stupidest? I mean, it is the first one, after all."

Leave it to Ricki C. to get all bogged down in grammar.  

When I made one last appeal to Colin to reconsider, I argued how fashion had indeed influenced his music. "How is that, Hassler?"

"Uh, maybe your biggest song, "BLACK CONCERT T SHIRT?"

"Jeff, will you please, please, just shut up."

OK, Colin, have it your way, but don't blame me when all the other bands at FMMF get signed and once again you guys are left wondering what went wrong.

I love ya brother, but you blew this one. Just sayin'. 

Jeff Hassler is recently divorced and lives in a one bedroom apartment near Grandview Yards.

Click here to read his other stories featuring Bon Jovi, Kiss and Dead Schembechlers.

OK, Hassler here again, Don't take my word for it. Check out this clip of OAR performing live at Madison Square Garden playing my favorite OAR song, "Crazy Game of Poker". If you look close before the first chorus you can see my ex-wife Kim briefly (though we were "taking a break" from dating that Spring. Long story!) This song has it all: balls, reggae, great lyrics and showmanship. Below that is some clip of Cheap Trick that Colin makes me sit through every time he has more than eight beers so needless to say, I have seen it A LOT. It is in some park or something. Sad, really. I think you will see my point. Hassler is out.

O.A.R. - Headed to the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame.....

O.A.R.: Live from Madison Square Garden from 2007

Cheap Trick, not in the Rock Hall of Fame.... 

Cheap Trick - Gonna Raise Hell - from "Silver" DVD - www.cheaptrick.com

"Reason to Live" by KISS Gave Me a Reason to Live. - by Jeff Hassler

This is Day 5 of Kiss Kountdown. Click here for day 4 or  Click here for Day 6 "Kiss Rocks vs Kiss Sucks"

 

Reason to Live Was My Reason to Live  by Jeff Hassler

Thanks to Colin for letting me contribute to the Kiss Kountdown! I like to think I bring a different sensibility to the conversation. On one hand, I agree with Wal and Ricki C. that Kiss while wearing make-up were just a circus act. As a fan of quality music myself, I too had zero interest in the original line-up. Kids stuff. 

But once the group "unmasked" (ha), got rid of all the special effects and replaced Ace Frehley with the completely superior musician Bruce Kulick, KISS finally started making records for grown-ups. While all the non-make up albums are superior to the previous (except for maybe The Elder) I think they hit their high-water mark when the band teamed up with master producer Ron Nevison for the blockbuster CD Crazy Nights. In fact, I would even go so far as to say it's even better than Bon Jovi's classic Slippery When Wet, which came out around the same time. Both went on to be HUGE sellers and influenced millions of people the world over.

What makes Crazy Nights so much better than the early Kiss stuff? Well, in addition to Bruce being a technically superior guitar player to Ace, Nevison finally brought the band into the modern world by adding all kinds of cool synthesizer parts. Kiss records like Rock n Roll Over and Love Gun just sounded so dated by the year 1987. So boring. Nevison was able to bring a modern rock quality to the record, allowing it to be on the cutting edge of the new metal scene that was happening. Digital recording got rid of all that noisy tape hiss, and sampled drums allowed Eric Carr's drumming to finally sound as thunderous as it did live. 

For example, Reason to Live was the #1 video on MTV's daily countdown and it featured keyboards for the first time in a Kiss song since Beth. And the lead single, Crazy Crazy Nights, while not a smash in the States, went on to become one of the biggest hits of the decade in the UK. You know, England: home of The Beatles, Stones, The Who, Ozzy, Oasis, Def Leppard, Arcade Fire, Deep Purple.....do I have to go on? My point being that Great Britain knows a thing or two about good rock n roll, if you know what I mean. Let's face it, the USA can be a little off in our taste. I mean can anybody explain why Guns and Roses became huge and Faster Pussycat didn't? Exactly.

Desmond Child. Heavy Metal Personified.

Do you know what else Crazy Nights and Slippery When Wet had in common? Desmond Fucking Child! One of rock's greatest songwriters. Ricki claims he has never heard of him and Colin says "Desmond Child is where bad songs go to become even worse," but you cannot argue with his results. The guy is a lyrical genius and he has co-written more hits than any "Hitless Wonder" I know. Sorry, Colin, but you know it's true. Just sayin'.

I have my own story about how the songs of Desmond Child have touched my life. In 1987, I was a senior in high school and I had just met my later ex-wife Kim in French Club. (Looks good for a college resume: French Club that is, not Kim!) I went stag to the Valentine's Day dance and Kim got into a fight with her boyfriend Chase on the way there and ended up coming alone, too. When the DJ played "I'll Die For You" we danced and that became "our song." It was co-written by Desmond Child.

I'd die for you, I'd cry for you, I'd do anything, I'd lie for you, you know its true, baby I'd die for you, I'd cry for you. If it came right down to me and you, you know it's true, I'd die for you.

Hard to top that. Anyway, fast forward a couple of months and Kim and I were still going strong until.... One day she stopped by my parents house with some leftover cookies she had made as part of the dance squad for the lacrosse players. I don't know how to say this exactly, except she surprised me in my bedroom while I was doing a private act adolescent boys are known to engage in. I was listening to the song "Bang, Bang You" on Crazy Nights (also co-written by D. Child.) and didn't hear her knock. To make matters even worse, the school yearbook just happened to be open on the bed next to me turned to the page of the girls tennis team. I SWEAR it was just a coincidence, but when Kim saw the picture of Linda Assario stroking that backhand in her tennis skirt she just went CRAZY, screamed "Chase was right!" then threw the cookies in my face and stormed out of the room in tears.

I was beyond heartbroken. Frankly, I was borderline suicidal. I'm not sure I would have made it if not for this Kiss classic. Ricki C likes to say rock n roll saved his life, well the song "Reason to Live" saved mine. "Reason to Live" was literally was my reason to live.  I played it first thing in the morning and the last thing at night for six straight months. I found strength in the words and in the sampled drum sounds. Desmond Child, I am forever in your debt. 

 "Reason To Live" (Stanley, Child)
 

Out of love, there's nobody around,

all I hear is the sound of a broken heart
Out of time, no more waitin' for you
Now the hurtin's through, and a new day starts
And I feel a change in my life,
I sailed into dark and endless nights
And made it alive

[Chorus:]
Everybody's got a reason to live, baby
Everybody's got a dream and a hunger inside
Everybody's got a reason to live, but it can't be your love

Out of touch, with myself for so long,
now a feelin' so strong comin' over me
Down the line, there's a lesson I've learned
You can love and get burned, if it has to be
And I see a change in my life,
and I'm not alone when I'm strong inside
And I realize

Anyway, Kim and I eventually met up again in college and got married and then recently divorced. Thanks for reading my blog. Hassler is out.

You can learn more about Jeff Hassler and other Pencilstorm contributors by clicking here

Below: 1) The video for the song that saved my life. 2) The best KISS lineup rocking Bang Bang You. LIVE!! It really takes off around 2:40. Trust me, it's worth the wait. 3) Kim and my song. 4) KISS live in a rare daytime concert from Germany on the Crazy Nights Tour. They are so much better without Ace, Peter or any lights or effects. Great set list too! Paul is playing the coolest guitar.

Music video by Kiss performing Reason To Live. (C) 1987 The Island Def Jam Music Group

Kiss playing Bang Bang You Live

I wonder if Kim still plays this once and a while. 

I love that rendition of this song so much!!!

Deuce Love gun Fits like a glove Heaven's on fire Cold gin Black diamond No no no Crazy crazy nights Tears are falling I love it loud Shout it out loud Rock and roll all nite Detroit rock city Schweinfurt, Germany 1988

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Pencilstorm Holiday Party @ Woodland's Monday Dec 23rd w/ Colin Gawel and The Lonely Bones 7-9pm

Right now you are thinking "Monday night? I can't go out Monday night." Wrong, come Monday around 4 p.m. you will suddenly realize, "I'm not working in any serious manner tomorrow and then it's two straight days with the family. I believe I'm hankerin' for a taste"

Pencilstorm, once again has you covered. Join us for our 17th annual Holiday party at the Woodland's Tavern, Monday December 23rd from 6 - 9 pm. Four String Brew is only $2 a pint and Colin Gawel and The Lonely Bones will be playing a set starting around 7 p.m. A $5 donation to the band is appreciated, but not mandatory. 

And if for some reason your best laid plans run into trouble, this line will set you free: "I've got to run out for a bit and do some last minute shopping." There you go. You are welcome. See you at Woodland's Monday December 23rd. - Pencilstorm staff.

Colin Gawel and The Lonely Bones "Still Love Christmas". Hear it Monday and drink a Four String Brew why don't you?

The title song to Colin Gawel and the Lonely Bones' December 2010 release. We shot the video at the "Still Love Christmas" release party at Rumba Cafe in Columbus, OH. COLINGAWEL.com

Slippery When Awesome: Jeff Hassler Reviews the Bon Jovi Show

I know the other Pencilstorm guys were bummed out that I decided to blow off the Hives show in Cleveland to stay home and see Bon Jovi, but it was a no-brainer. Why drive two hours in a van to some small venue when I can catch one of America's most popular rock acts only 15 minutes from home in a first-class facility like Nationwide Arena? And did I mention Jon Bon Jovi is one of music's all time greatest artists/frontman? He is like a combination of Bruce Springsteen, David Lee Roth and Leonard Cohen with Jack Welch's business sense thrown in. He is the TOTAL package. Like I said, a no-brainer as far as i am concerned, but the guys kept dogging me about missing the Hives. 

One of the reasons I am a successful blogger is that I am willing to be honest. Some say even to a fault. So here goes: Even though we are all good friends, I think the reason Colin (and most of the other guys at Pencilstorm) make fun of Bon Jovi is jealousy. Seriously. For example, what has Watershed ever accomplished? Some spotty airplay on a radio station nobody listens to and a book with the title Hitless Wonder. Bet you can guess the ending of that one. Meanwhile, Bon Jovi has sold millions and millions of records, and somehow they suck? It doesn't take much fancy math to figure those numbers don't add up. I mean, I like some Watershed songs, too, but.... Just sayin'.

​Anyway, I wished the guys well on the ride to Cleveland. Meanwhile, I was stoked to get my rock on here in CBUS.

One of the many things I love about Bon Jovi is the band's professionalism. Jon BonJovi considers himself a CEO, and at exactly 9:15 the lights dimmed and the show was off to a roaring, punctual start. ​Opening with the classic "You Give Love a Bad Name," Jon was working the crowd like a master, with Tico Torres holding down a solid beat behind him. Richie Sambora, who never gets his due, was shredding as usual,  showing why he is part of one of the greatest duos in rock history. I love the Stones, but Jaggar/Richards have nothing on Bon Jovi/Sambora. At the very least, we can call it a draw. Just sayin'.

This is my third Bon Jovi show and unlike other hard rock bands (AC/DC) I have noticed  that they always have clear sound and never play so loud that you cannot carry on a conversation with the person next to you. In fact, most the people in our section were chatting throughout the show, which gives the whole event more of a community feeling, if you ask me. I only went to one Dead show (I was in college; don't remember much; long story!) but I imagine it was the same kind of vibe.

Anyway, in the interest of full disclosure, I was extra happy for the reasonable volume, as I had brought a special friend to the show with me. Actually, this was my first "date" since my divorce from Kim last year. It was nice to be able to give someone the expert perspective without having to scream in her ear.​ 

Earlier in the week, I happened to mention on Match.com that I would be reviewing the Bon Jovi show and she responded saying she would love to ride shotgun. When we arrived at the venue, ​I got the feeling that she was sorta disappointed in our seats. There was also some confusion about whether or not I had mentioned a backstage press pass online. I'm pretty sure I didn't post anything about that. But as a writer, I write lots of things and can't always remember. 

Still, my date seemed to be having a good time, and after a couple big Yuengling Lights I was really getting into the flow of the show. ​After a bunch more rockers — most not from Slippery When Wet, but they did play "Runaway" — they settled into a sexy groove for the classic ballad "I'll Be There For You."  Now maybe it was the beer talking, or the fact that this was the song that Kim and I did our first dance to at our wedding, but I was suddenly feeling nostalgic. What was Kim doing now? Do you think she ever thinks of me when she hears Bon Jovi? THAT is the power of Bon Jovi.

​Then a terrifying thought hit me: What if she is here, right now? With her new boyfriend, Russ? At this point I decided it was probably best to go. Besides, it was getting late and with the show being on a Sunday night, I had to get up for work in the morning anyway. Especially since i just got my old job back and didn't want to screw up again. I told my date and she asked if I would mind If she stayed.  She really wanted to hear "Livin' on a Prayer." I couldn't blame her, it is a classic. One of the guys a couple seats down said he would be happy to give her a lift home if I bought them each a couple more beers. ($18.50 — ouch!). Still, she said it was OK for me to go and she understood about my divorce from Kim and everything and that she would be all right. So I headed home, after a quick stop at Jimmy John's, of course.

Still, at the end of the day, it was a pretty good night. My first date since my divorce from Kim, my first review for Pencilstorm and a kick ass Bon Jovi concert to bring it all together. Thanks for reading this far. — Jeff

Jeff Hassler is recently divorced and writes for Pencilstorm. He can be reached at jeffwonthassleru@gmail.com

Click here for the entire setlist from the show

Ok, Jeff here again. I couldn't sleep for some reason. Decided to post this video in case anybody cared.

Music video by Bon Jovi performing I'll Be There For You. (C) 1988 The Island Def Jam Music Group